Judgmental parenting: an Anthropologist's eye view

I think it’s great when a woman chooses the profession of stay-at-home mom, and I think it’s great when a woman strives for a healthy balance between family life and a career she enjoys, and I think it’s great when a woman has the courage to say she doesn’t want children at all. What I feel concerned to see is when people feel entitled enough to criticize a stay-at-home mom for giving up her autonomy, or the mother doing both as being selfish, or the woman who doesn’t want kids being made to feel that she has nothing but regret and loneliness ahead of her. There is so much criticism in the world; so many books, movies, movements, memes whose sole purpose is to let someone else know that their individual choices are wrong (this does not only apply to parenting, but to every known topic on the planet ). There are an equal number of self-appointed experts ready to confirm each point.

The first term you learn as an Anthropology student is “ethnocentrism”. An ethnocentric worldview means that we judge all other groups based upon the standards of our own culture and do not seek to understand them in the manner in which they understand themselves. The long and short of it is that each group has its own in-built reasoning as to why its own ways are superior to another’s. It is found everywhere – a part of the human condition. Ethnocentrism allows us to build strong and healthy group dynamics based on mutual understanding and cohesive patterns of conduct. It offers clarity and decisive action in this uncertain plain of existence. In its perverted state it leads to racism, classism and a justification for the subjugation of other groups and societies. So there is this interesting little quality in mankind which, in its healthy incarnation leads to strong social groups and in its unhealthy incarnation leads to a superiority complex and bullying.

So what does any of this have to do with parenting? Parenting is just a convenient example of this tendency that plagues us all. I know many beautiful parents who love to share and hear new ideas, who are eager to experiment and find what works best for themselves and their children; they are confident enough to go with works for them and mature enough to respect that something else will work for someone different.

There are many important choices to make for your children: how to educate them, how to discipline them, to vaccinate or not. (I found the vaccination debate to be one of the most difficult topics to find non-polarized, rational information on – both camps are pitted for battle, thirsty for blood, completely hysterical, aggressive and condescending to the points of the others. They are practically religious in their zeal to claim they hold the truth. Moderate voices seemed nowhere to be found – exactly what most people are hoping to find.) In every area of your life, just make the choice that works for you and get off each others backs. Does that mean don’t share your own experiences and enter into an intelligent discussion on the topic? Of course not. It just means don’t enter into the discussion assuming that the other person has made their choice simply because they have not educated themselves enough and it’s now somehow your job to convert them to the right way of doing things. It also doesn’t mean that if you witness dangerous or abusive behaviour that you shouldn’t intervene. But if it’s simply a matter of your needing to push your superior opinion on someone else, then have some discretion and keep your mouth closed.

The only real criterion for good parenting is: As far as what's in your control, are you and your child happy and healthy? If you can say “yes” all around, then congratulations! You’re a success as a parent; in fact, you are a success as a human being.