Relax, I'm Selfish, So are You

Some days I don't want to be a parent. There, I said it. Terrible, no? Some days I want to sleep in, wake up when I feel like it, eat when I feel like it, and not have to take care of anyone but me. I want to read a book, uninterupted, have adult conversations and stay out as late as I want. I want a clear mind to think just of myself, without having to worry about someone elses demands or needs. I want peace and quiet, to get up and go without having to pack snacks and toys or schedule naps, to not have to clean up after anyone but myself. I want to have sex on a whim, without having to write it in my agenda or to wait for the cover of night. If I'm sick I want to sleep in peace, barf in peace, without anyone knocking at the door to come in and join me. Yes , sometimes I want these things, even while still loving my kids. Every parent feels like this sometimes, but no one ever tells you that this it's going to happen, so you end up feeling guilty or inadequate, or like you should be hiding what you feel.

Parenting has really changed since our own parents were doing it. On the whole we're much more aware of our childrens emotional and physical needs. We read the ingredients in everything we buy, pour over books on children's brain development, research nutrition, alternative medicine, their social needs. There is so much information to sift through, so many choices to make. We're also much busier, with the majority of homes having two working parents, and technology making everyone elses demands on us immediate and unavoidable. Social media, for all of it's good points, creates a lot of extra noise in our lives. We see the finely tuned images of other people with all of the sloppy, unflattering bits cut out. We are subject to everyones opinions and judgements at any hour, day or night. We are bombarded with stories of people who tried to do something and failed miserably, and they are strung up for a social media hanging, as an example to the rest of us of what will happen to us if we fuck up, even once. It's a lot of pressure. The modern world is full of it.

But we can't be at our best all of the time. Sometimes we go off; we get tired, temperamental; shitty. Sometimes we just need space and it can seem like an audacious request even to ask for it. It can leave you feeling like you're failing at something that everyone else seems to be good at.

We expect a lot from one another, really we do. This is also another symptom of the fast pace of modern life. We simply don't have the time for other people's weaknesses. It messes up our stride in our mad pursuit of success. We have trouble forgiving, because every small disturbance is an inconvenience that we simply don't have time for. We know what it is when we're feeling off ourselves, and just need a hug and nap and some understanding. But most often the hardest person to forgive is ourself, and we get frustrated when we don't live up to our ideal standard of parent, lover, friend, athlete and money-making machine. But the truth is none of us live up to these standards. They are fabricated social notions that we picked up through osmosis, not because they are who we truly want to be. No matter who you are, perfection is elusive, and no doubt for a good reason. When you're perfect you no longer need to grow. Anything in life that stops growing, dies. Our weaknesses challenge not only ourselves but also those we share our lives with, to grow. Human relationships always have some rough edges, but it is those edges that sharpen us. 

Modern life demands that you work like a dog; our weaknesses demand we do inner work, the type of work we most often avoid but that leads to the rarest of riches: compassion, forgiveness and a generous heart. When you begin to cultivate these qualities you'll have no need for guilt or expectations of perfection. You'll understand that creative, productive energy ebbs and flows, and peace comes only once we give up resisting that.

Sometimes your partner will be shitty and you'll need to forgive them; sometimes your kids will be shitty and you'll need to forgive them too; and sometimes you'll be shitty, and it will be their turn to forgive you. So be selfish, and give yourself space to grow.