Are you too sensitive? Good.

“Stop being so sensitive”. I’ve heard these words my entire life, generally spoken by someone who has just done something unequivocally insensitive and isn’t willing to own up to their (momentary?) lack of tact. Apologies are hard and maybe they have a point, right? After all you can’t take everything personally. People can be jerks, you have to learn to live with it. I get that, really; but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a processing period between the insensitive act and the acceptance of the fowl deed. People who are pushy about you accepting their indiscretions typically tout ‘reason’ as their modus operandi. In their opinion if you are sensitive ie. feeling something about the situation, then you are clearly not being reasonable.

Can we dispel the myth once and for all that the exercise of reason and the acknowledgement of personal feelings are mutually exclusive? ‘Fact’ is such a used and abused word, particularly as it refers to analysis of situations where people clearly have differing opinions. Facts are facts absolutely, but the analysis and assimilation of fact is coloured by how the individual interprets or feels about it. Decisions surrounding facts are informed by feelings. Reason exclusive of feelings is an impossibility because we are at any moment, feeling beings, interpreting our environment through our five (fine, six) senses and particular worldview. Boredom is a feeling; indifference is a feeling; being right is a feeling. When you are annoyed at your coworker's lack of professionalism or your child's sassy attitude, you are feeling. It may be reasonable to be upset by these situations, but they are still being interpreted through an emotional lens.  Regardless of whether the emotional state is critical or mundane, we are in a constant process of feeling and reacting.

So can we finally call bullshit here? It’s time we start treating sensitivity and emotional acuity as the asset it truly is. First we have to accept the reality that we are creatures who are governed by our emotions, that have been whipped up into a big steaming mixture of instinct, philosophy and cultural expectation. In accepting that we are never free of these emotions, we can begin to navigate and direct them in a way that is healthy and beneficial to our wider community.

Here are a few ways that I have begun to own my sensitivity and leverage it to my benefit:

Ask the feeling why is has come: When pain arises we resist; our bodies tense, our blood vessels constrict. It’s a natural response to pain. But pain, both physical and emotional, is actually a blessing, letting us know that something isn’t right. One time I slammed my finger in a window and I couldn’t get it out. My husband had to come and physically pull my finger out from between the window and the pane. Thankfully nothing was broken but the nerve pain was excruciating. As I ran the injury under cold water my entire body was ceased by it. As  the tears streamed down my face a voice inside told me to breathe… relax your body…breathe… as I obeyed that inner voice, the pain began to subside. I literally felt the endorphins rush to my finger tips and begin to numb the pain. I stopped resisting it and allowed myself to feel it. That simple act triggered the healing process.

It’s the same with emotional pain. We don’t want to feel it, so we grapple with it or try to ignore or subdue it. But the more we struggle, the more urgent it becomes. These days, when I feel a pang of hurt or anxiety I say to it ‘oh, hello you… what are you doing here?’ And then we talk. It tells me what it wants me to know. Sometimes the pain has something valid for me to consider, something I’ve been avoiding or even lying to myself about. I then thank the pain for letting me know what I need to know. Often times the pain is nothing more than anxiety masked as truth; we still sit and talk. It tells me all its fears and concerns, the uncertainty of the future, the sorrow of being imperfect. After I have listened in quiet, I say thank you, and explain to my pain that, though everything it is saying may seem valid, focusing on it will actually bring us BOTH further from where we are aiming to be; and then I say to it ‘so, what do you think would be a better place for us to focus our attention?’ This simple process has been a very simple and effective way to neutralize pain without dismissing it. In that way the lessons are learned and less likely repeated.

Allow it to refine your perspective: As a sensitive person, my world is coloured with a million shades of grey; I don’t do black and white, they don’t compute. To me everything is in everything and informs everything and transforms everything. The trouble with this way of perceiving is that it can be exhausting at times; every nuance must be explored before a decision is made and certainty is lost in the foray. Where is there a safe place for an open heart to rest their head? In the broadness of our perspective we are left vulnerable. One of my final essays as I was completing my degree in the fall looked at the No DAPL protests taking place at the Standing Rock Sioux reservation, which was ongoing at the time. I was looking at the difficulty of addressing notions of the sacred through modern colonial law, and while I found the topic infinitely fascinating, consuming the media and reading the history of the conflict broke my heart. I cried every single day that I was writing that paper, typically many times over. It was as exhausting as it was rewarding. I know I could have chosen, as most people do, particularly in academia, to numb my emotional reactions to the material. It would have been a much easier journey no doubt, but I think I would have missed the vast majority of the perspective I ultimately gained. My sensitivity equips me with a level of empathy and compassion that allows me to see beyond words to the heart of what is being said or done. It is a type of intelligence that I would not trade for any other because it goes to the core of who I am and how I relate to humanity and the world. 

Get moving: You’ve done the emotional work. You’ve honoured your inner voice, you’ve allowed it to refine you. Now what? Feelings states can be all consuming, especially when we’re brave enough to venture into them. But the work can leave you feeling drained and uncertain of where to focus next. The best thing you can do is change your physical state: workout, dance in your kitchen,  stretch and shake yourself out in the bathroom stall at work (I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all done it). Our bodies and emotions are inextricably linked and altering one invariably alters the other. Don’t believe me? Sit up tall, back straight, chest out with a huge smile on your face. Are you doing it? Good. Now feel depressed. What happens? As you reach for those depressing feelings, your body changes with them. You begin to slouch, furrow your brow and your chest caves in. Your emotional state carries a physical pattern. So get up and literally shake it out of you. It’s time to mobilize that new perspective. I know a lot of people like affirmations but I’ve always struggled with them. Instead I have a process that uses single words. You can do it anytime, but I find it especially effective when I’m in motion of some kind. I ask myself “what do I want to feel? What will I focus these feelings on?’ And then words start to flow: “empowered, strong, certain, free, clear, vibrant, energetic…” You begin to train yourself to engage the emotional state that is of highest benefit to you and others.

I am a profoundly sensitive person; physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually – all of these parts of me are constantly engaged, reaching, striving for understanding, asking for truth. A lot of people consider being sensitive a weakness, but I know it is my strength; it makes me a good friend, mother, lover, artist, student. When you begin anything from this space of trusting and honouring your emotional world, you feel unstoppable. And you haven’t had to deny or subdue an essential part of yourself. Instead you've begun to own your sensitivity.